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Saturday, January 18, 2014

Inner Turmoil

Inner Turmoil
I was raised to love and respect my parents and grandparents, aunts and uncles as well.  So I did; never understanding what a grown-up’s life and/or emotions were like.  I do remember that like most families there were arguments that sometimes ended in separation or worst yet divorce.  I recall favorite uncles and aunts that would go from being loving to each other to being unhappy, and arguing or even physically fighting.  As children, we were told to look the other way or at least stay out of harm’s way and to not question the turmoil.
Children during those times were supposed to be seen and not heard.  In my recollection few relationships (at least in my family tree) ran smooth from start to finish.  Almost always the road of life (at least where romance is concerned) is full of potholes. I could never understand why good looking and kind (nice) people with good looking children, would have a reason to argue and fight.  I was way too young to understand about the intricacies of life and romance (real love), and wicked lust.
The majority of the problems that I saw all around was man made (or woman made), because of third party involvement.  As a young person I didn’t have the experience or the right to judge the developments (of course even now I don’t have reason or right to get in the middle) in my family member’s lives.  As an adult I have a tendency to see the good in everyone.  I have been in situations where someone I thought I knew well (not related), was telling a fib (lie), and it went right over my head, until someone else pointed it out.  It seems that there are some experts at abusing alcohol, and medications that can tell a lie with a straight face.
Not all separations and divorces are driven by romantic entanglements.  Sometimes people get involved that had no business being involved with each other.  Wrong chemistry, wrong religion, wrong politics, wrong ethnicity, and wrong ethics.  I could write a couple more paragraphs of what could be wrong for two people's pairing.  As I get older I begin to realize that not all relationships need to start near perfect to succeed, if there is enough love and attraction between two people they can try a little harder and make it work.
When I think about how I (we) don’t know what’s in people’s hearts and minds, I am reminded of a popular program in the early years (somewhat before my time) and it goes something like this:
  • The introduction from The Shadow radio program "Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? The Shadow knows!"
  • At the end of each episode The Shadow reminded listeners that, "The weed of crime bears bitter fruit. Crime does not pay... The Shadow knows!"
This post came about because I was trying to remember how much I really know about my maternal grandmother’s life.  So I got to thinking about how I remember her.  The only thing that I really remember is that she was very stern (strict), unwavering (I used to think cold hearted in her strictness).  I didn’t get to know my grandmother very well because I never lived close to her.  By the age of six we moved across the country and eventually immigrated to the United States. But there again, I was not aware of her trials and tribulations, her likes and dislike.  She was highly respected, and looked up to in her community. 
One of my memories that I have of her is that her third husband (she was twice widowed) was a few years her junior and she was extremely jealous especially as she aged.  On any given Saturday night he would take his boat across the river to a tavern where they played live music, and he would hang out with his friends, and who knows who else.  He would eventually return under the influence of alcohol, but until he returned my grandmother would pace the floor affected by anger and jealousy.  I never heard them fight or argue, mostly because my grandmother would act indifferent, and unaffected.  I wish I could have played a bigger role in affecting her happiness and well-being.  Then again, she appeared happy with her life.  The best is yet to come…..

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